Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Note to Self, from Myself: Floundering, Groping and Still Learning at 24

A few hours before I turned 24, I was thinking that this is going to be my happiest birthday ever (for some reasons which I would try to keep to myself) until my China Bank payroll account debited all my salary and left me with money just about enough to buy prepaid credits so I may be able to respond to those who have greeted me on the 15th, which is not my birthday, it's actually September 16. But having been able to work in a bank before, I naturally understand what these tellers were going through. BUt just the same, aside from the the cliche, "tao lang ako at natural lang ang magalit" I also have, "birthday ko kase bukas eh, birthday ko!". But enough of the emoness, I think, Mang Jessie still has other plans for me for this day.

I have come up with a few thoughts over the year, and over the years. I'm sharing these, for posterity pa rin. lol x.

I do not intend to preach, I am telling and reminding these things I've learned to myself, so bawal mambasag ng trip. Birthday ko ngayon, birthday mo ba? *peace*

* I should keep my mouth shut. It pays to be able to speak your mind-- but not necessarily at all times. There are some instances that you better shut it unless you have something beneficial to say. Remember the Rotary Club Four Way Test?

* There are some things that should be posted on fishdrownedinwater.blogspot.com and karenderya.multiply.com that are worth sharing with the world. There are also some things that should only be kept in your mind. When you open your life to everyone, you become vulnerable thus easily accused, judged, misconstrued. Reserve some for your journal.

* When you decide to assume two roles at the same time, assess if you can be both at your best for both roles. You cannot use the other as an excuse for being mediocre on the other. You have to be at your best for both roles and if you think you can't, then drop the other.

* If you have to choose between two equally beautiful options, choose the one which you think you won't regret; but since you won't regret something until it's actually done, you'll never really know what it is. So heed to the cliche: FOLLOW YOUR HEART. It may not be logical at all times and your society may not accept it at times but if it's what makes you happy, it still matters.

* Sometimes, in real life, professing your feelings towards someone does not guarantee you with happy endings and ever afters. On worse days, it can even lead to losing friendships due to miscalculation of the person's ability to understand things beyond the normal, so unless you are 100% sure of what you are bound to do and lose eventually, HOLD IT OFF. Enjoy each encounters. And LOVE, just the same.

* Do not put labels on all things around you-- from my very close friend Ma-an, most especially on relationships. They become restricted. You set up certain roles that you want them to assume and when they fail, without them knowing it, to live up to the labels and roles you constructed, you get disappointed. Things can stay as they are and you can still or may still be happy about it.

* never speak ill of the person na nakaway mo. baka mahalin mo sya ulet, tas mahirap mo na ibalik yung dati.

* and That being busy, miserable, happy, in love, bitter and insecure are always a choice.

Ayun.

Bukod dun, I am also thankful sa mga sumusunod:

Kay Mang Jessie, na bagamat yung last kong simba ay nung Baccalaureate pa namin nung college, hindi niya pa rin ako kinakalimutan. Feeling ko nga, reverse psych ito. He showers all these blessings para makonsensya ako at magsimba na. lol x *peace tayu jan*

Sa UPFI, sa pagtanggap at sa dami ng absences at lates ko.

Sa transition team ko, that although I am barely seen and heard, kahit sa spam, alam ko anjan lang sila sa paligid ligid. Ni hindi ko nga kailangan magexplain.

Sa fortywinks, na walang ngrereply kasi badtrip na ata lahat sa kin dahil hndi na ako nagpapakita sa mahabang panahon;

Sa pamilya ko,

Sa Manila at Baguio Federal Sales Team, kasi masaya ang buhay. Maraming reasons para maging masaya. At hndi mo kailangang magconform sa lipunan para matupad ito.

Kay Mamai, kasi... at tsaka... at higit sa lahat... ayun. ganun ka eh. kaya thank you. at dahil alam mo, na sa mga panahon na hindi masyadong abundant ang swerte at happiness, kung gaano kaimportante ito sa akin lalo na kapag galing seo >> *hug*

Happy Birthday Karen.
*sniff*

Monday, August 31, 2009

Sino Ang Mas Nakakainis sa Dalawa?

eksena sa jip.
nag-abot ng buong sampung pisong barya si pasahero.
what is given: siyete pesos ang pasahe
tunghayan natin...


pasahero: ma, bayad ho, guadalupe lang.

drayber: *galit pa* ilan to?

pasahero: kung kasya dalawa, eh di dalawa.


ayun

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Karen's Birthday Wishlist at Ilang Ka-Emo-han

Nung mas bata bata pa ako, 1 month before and after my birthday, which is september 16, pwede na akong mag-umarte. Salamat sa mga kunsintidor kong mga kaibigan, lalo na nung college, hinahayaan nila akong umarte hanggat kelan ko gusto, tutal 2 buwan lang naman yun sa loob ng isang taon. Ngaun, hindi na masyado. Nakakalimutan ko na nga umarte bago ako mag-birthday. Ayoko lang dumating yung time na makalimutan ko pati na yung mismong araw na pala ng birthday ko.


Anyway, for old time's sake, magsusulat pa rin ako ng mga gusto kong matanggap sa birthday ko. Kahit na alam ko, wala diyan yung talagang natutupad. hehe. Kagaya din ng Xmas wishlist, keri na rin, basta may ma-post lang. At me mabasa lang ng mga kaibigan ko--malay ko naman kung balang araw tandaan nila yun. Ayun, eto yung mga malayo at malapit sa katotohonan kong gustong makuha/matanggap:


nikon d60 *umasenso na, d40 lang yan dati eh
ipod 160gb
external dvd rom
dsl connection *spare me from the globe broadband hell. puhleez.
gitara *which I asked my dad to buy at mukang nauto ko naman
fearless album ni taylor swift
havaianas IPE yung green, yung may toucan ata yun. 39-40 ang size ko
jansport na backpack, dahil hindi na kasya yung mga gamit ko papuntang unibersidad.
yung bagong libro ni ricky lee
world peace pa rin!
harajuku na parang diaper bag ang laki
super pilipinas na odm watch *alam ko luma na to. keber.
tiffany and co. na ring
book 7 ng harry potter
premium account sa multiply
yung buong 36 designs ng hello kitty toys sa happy meal ngaun
isang malaking orig na hello kitty na stuffed toy




yun na muna.




pero yung pinaka gusto ko sa lahat tlaga?




sulat. napakaraming sulat. sulat sa laht ng kaibigan ko. oo, ikaw na nagbabasa nito ngaun-- yung mga bagay na hindi mo sa akin nasabi kasi matagal tayung hindi nagkita at nagkatsismisan; yung mga bagay na gusto mong itanong sa kin pero hindi mo maitanong kasi nahihiya ka dahil feeling mo iba na yung konteksto ngaun; yung mga bagay na ikinagagalit mo sa kin dahil matagal akong nawala, nawawala, mawawala; o kahit ano lang basta may isinulat ka.




higit sa lahat, sana sulatan niya ako. siya na nagpramis sa aking ipagddrive ako papuntang sagada kapag me panahon na kming mas mahaba dahil masayang pumunta dun ng hindi nagmamadali dahil iniisip mo pa yung pasok mo pagkalunes; siyang nagbago ng mga pananaw ko sa mundo bago ako tumuntong ng 24; siya na hindi nanunuod ng indie films at ng mga pelikulang tagalog na balang araw eh gagawin ko; siya na nagpalungkot sa akin dahil posibleng hindi niya panuorin ang mga pelikulang gagawin ko sa nalalapit na panahon; siya na nangako na magdadaan sa cultural evolution para maintindihan at unawain ang larangan kong napili; siya na nagpaiyak sa kin ng maraming ulit dahil sa mga banat niya tuwing nagsusumbong ako sa mga umapi sa akin; siya na hindi ako pinapansin ngayon; siya na uuwi na sa kanyang pinanggalingan kung kaya nagsasanay ako kung paano bumalik din sa dati kong gawi...


eto yung address ko:
418 laurilla st pitogo makati city 1212




kahit yun lang. kahit wala na yung iba.

Friday, August 28, 2009

looks familiar?

kahit saan nga naman.

lumalabas ang mga repressed emotions. hehe.

kuha to ilang oras matapos na mamamatay si pangulong cory. pagdating ko sa bahay, lahat ng channel sa local tv ay puno ng balita at tribute sa kanya.


eto naman ang share ng abs. sigurado akong may nakapansin na iba nito. pero care dead lang sila.hehe.nangiti ako nung nakita ko to. wala lang. bawal ba?







maya-maya, syempre narealize nila na pwede nilang ikapahamak yun, napalitan din naman nila agad:



share lang :)

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Speaking of Nordstrom...

Nagspam attack na naman kami nung mga kaberks. At naforward tong email na to. Share ko lang:

From: Gatpolintan, Alfie Cezar Labalan [mailto:AXBQ@ .com] Sent: Wednesday, August 26, 2009 9:03 AMTo: rona decolongon; ma-an de ocampo; Karen Raagas; Ernest JosephMiranda; Dennis JohnMontano; Emmelaine Ondillo; Joymee Ann Gascon; ManilynSarique; Leonor, April Yasmin Gagasa; EmmelaineOndillo; Aquino X.Gerry; Ken Nuguid; Malgapo, Stephanie Ortiz; Trina Reyes; Nicholas.Beltran; verde_pretty2@yahoo.com; Gonzalez, Auria Primaverde
Subject: The difference between ordinary and extraordinary

An Oregon schoolteacher went to Nordstrom's department store to buy a $1 booklet on how to tie scarves. A store employee told the teacher that, unfortunately, the store was sold out of the item. Four weeks later, the teacher checked her mail and, to her surprise, found two of the booklets, at no charge. That gesture made her a faithful Nordstrom customer, even though the store didn't have what she wanted the first time around.

But that's not the whole story. There is no Nordstrom department store in the teacher's hometown. She drives 160 miles round trip to shop at a store that took the time and effort to compensate her because they were out of a simple, inexpensive booklet.

Lesson: You might not always be able to give customers or co-workers exactly what they want. But the way you go above and beyond to make up of an oversight, mistake or product shortage can build a greater sense of loyalty and satisfaction than if you merely met the initial request.
What will customer or clients remember about you when you are not able to meet a request? The mere fact that you couldn't provide what they wanted? Or, the creative , service-minded way you responded to the situation and turned a negative into a positive?
Same thing with friends' request.


Of which I replied with:

Maganda to te.
Infairness, sabi ng tita ko, yung Nordstrom tlaga bongga sa customer service,
Like if you go there looking for a gulong, kahit wala silang tindang ganun talaga, hahanapan ka nila.
Kasi ung principle nila na, kaya ka pumunta sa kanila kasi may tiwala ka na matutulungan ka nila so di ka nila bibiguin.
Sana ang pag-ibig parang Nordstrom din. Na kapag nilapitan mo, hindi ka bibiguin maski wala syang inoofer na ganun.
Kaboom.
Wala ayun lang.
Nilalagnat ako.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

...hello?cellphone?

naiwan ng tatay ko yung cellphone niya sa bahay. and in my attempt to check kung may mga importanteng messages na dumating para sa kanya, eto yung nabasa ko:




...hello cellphone, naiwan ba kita sa bahay?




basag.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Paalam President Cory...

Growing up, I only had two heroes in mind: Cory and Ninoy. I don't think i need to further elaborate. I just thought that they rocked this nation's history. And then eventually there was Kris, and then I rest my case.
I wanted to share this song for those who have not known this. It's one of my favorite Jose Mari Chan's songs, I'm a staunch believer that no one sings a love song as nostalgic as Joe Mari. And then I had the shock of my life when I found out that this was written by Ninoy to Cory. *cheesy*

I Have Fallen In Love
Music by Jose Mari Chan
Lyrics by Benigno Aquino Jr.

I have fallen in love
with the same woman three times;
In a day spanning 19 years
of tearful joys..and joyful tears.

I loved her first when she was young,
enchanting and vibrant, eternally new..
she was brilliant, fragrant,
and cool as the morning dew.

I fell in love with her the second time;
when first she bore her child and mine
always by my side, the source of my strength,
helping to turn the tide..

But there were candles to burn
the world was my concern;
while our home was her domain..
and the people were mine
while the children were hers to maintain;

So it was in those eighteen years and a day..
’till I was detained; forced in prison to stay.
Suddenly she’s our sole support;
source of comfort,
our wellspring of Hope..
on her shoulders felt the burden of Life..

I fell in love again,
with the same woman the third time.
Looming from the battle,
her courage will never fade
Amidst the hardships she has remained,
undaunted and unafraid..
she is calm and composed,
she is God’s lovely maid..

Monday, July 20, 2009

facebook status, 072009: basta ako, masaya ngayon.

bahala na mamaya.
bahala na bukas.
basta ngayun, masaya ako.


kung ano at anu man yun
na nagpapasaya sa akin ngayun,
akin nalang yun.
basta ang mahalaga,
ako, masaya ngayon.


kung bukas hindi na
kung mamaya, wala na,
ok lang.
basta ngayon, ako masaya.


ah basta.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

under construction yung multiply site ko. i half abandoned dramatista.multiply.com for some reasons beyond my control tsaka dhail gusto ko lang. lol. you can now find me in karenderya.multiply.com. bakya na kung bakya pero para sa kin cute naman yung play ng word. anyway, hindi pa rin yun complete pero dun na ako ngaun nguupload ng mga bagongs posts. so for the meantime, im writing this thru my fishdrownedinwater.blogspot.com site. hectic. feeling sikat. nyahaha.

antagal na nung huling post ko, bukod dun sa mga imported entries from my friendster site. kaya siguro napupuno na naman yung utak ko ng mga walang sense na bagay, kaya kagaya ng pensieve ni Dumbledore, kelangan bawasan ng onti, saan pa ilalagay kundi syemps dito.

may 2 buwan na ako halos nalipat ng account. from Wa
Mu, transfer na ang lola mo sa Manila Federal Sales. First batch, ako lang yung supervisor under training. nakakaculture shock kasi sobrang onti lang ng tao, kumpara sa pinaggalingan ko, na limampu halos kaming supervisor, hagard talaga ngaun.

me mga hindi masyadong mgandang nagyari sa training na ikinapangamba ng kaseguruhan ng trabaho namin, pero until then, enjoy muna while it lasts.

Nakaadjust na rin ako sa mga tao kong kasama pero andun pa rin yung namimiss mo yung mga dati mong ginagawa ksama yung mga kebigan mong kebs ang din sa mundo ang drama. he he. pressured ngaun kasi lahat ng mata nakatingin seo. Parang konting galaw mo eh me masasabi sayo. pero dahil kebs lang ako sa sasabihin nila, ayos lang.

pero ngayun, habang sinusulat ko ito. sa ilang buwan naming pagsasama nung bago kong kapamilya, mas iknalungkot ko dahil:

-alam akong hindi magtatagal, sigurado akong mawwipe out kaming lahat; kundi matapos ung kontrata, baka materminate kami.
-maghihiwa-hiwalay kami kapag natapos ang ramp. karamihan uuwi ng baguio dahil andun talaga ang site nila. kami andito lang s maynila.
-na kung kelan gamay mo na yung account, pati mga tao, sooner than later, mawawala din ang lahat ng ito. kaya kailangan ding paghandaan yun.

higit sa lahat, ngaun naguguluhan ako. college pa ko nung naalala kong huling sumagi sa akin ang gantong pakiramdam. pero imbes na matuwa ako, naguluhan akong bigla.
hindi pwede. dahil maling tao. at maling pagkakataon.
sobrang late na ba para magkaron ng mga ganitong klaseng krisis?

Sunday, July 5, 2009

In Memoriam: Ana Escalante Neri 1978-2007 July 22nd, 2007



me see the story of your life in your perspective–


the lenses will explain how you see beauty in all things,
which now i kept on asking as to why, but i won’t…


let the words you weaved be the witness that you lived…


and if by chance, you pass by the Atlantis, tell them that we’re on our way and that life here is savage and ruthless…




thank you Ana. you are finally home…

In Memoriam: Ana Escalante Neri 1978-2007 July 22nd, 2007



i met her in summer of 2006. it was in a writer’s workshop in up which she was a fellow and which i was part of the secretariat . it wasn’t hard to be enthralled by her personality. she was beaming the whole time.


at breakfast, when all of us gather around the banquet in the UP guest house, when she wouldn’t utter a word, she’ll smile.


at night, we would sit by the dock by the bay to be enchanted by the sound of the waves and her endless stories. just that. and before we sleep, we’ll utter our unending goodbyes and good nights to each other along with the other people in the workshop.


on the workshop’s last night, we danced in magsaysay on our way to the closing ceremonies in kapitolyo and had our flowing skirts soaked in puddles as we sashayed in the misty night of tacloban. i no longer wear the skirt these days. I have grown bigger; so as my world.


remember how the tricycle drivers annoyingly whistled as we pass by them, and how you faced them with a funny face. i thought how cool you were.




sadly, it was just that summer.



written 7.22.07; edited and posted 4.12.09

ano daw? July 19th, 2006

sabi sa libro " where the heart is" ni billie letts, kailangan daw na ang mga pangalan na ibibigay sa mga magiging anak mo ay kailangang matatag. ung tipong kayang suungin ang karahasan ng buhay at manatiling matatag sa kabila ng lahat.


para sa akin, ang mga pangalang ibinigay sa atin ng ating mga magulang ay nagsasalamin din ng kanilang pagkatao at interes sa mga bagay-bagay. sa kaso ko, kayo na ang humusga sa mga susunod pang mga talata.
ang pangalan kong karen ay random lang na naisip ng nanay ko. maswerte nalang at me karen carpenter kaya mejo me napaghuhugutan ako ng isasagot kapag tinatanong na ng teacher ko nung grade 1 kung san galing ang mga pangalan namin. gusto sana ng tatay ko e karen lalaine ang pangalan ko kaso lng kinontra ng nanay ko kasi masyado daw mahaba. kawawa naman daw ako kung paglaki ko eh maging bobo ako at mahirapan sa pagsulat. eh pano yan, eh aherm.


ang mga sumusunod ay ilan sa mga popular na tawag sa akin ng mga tao sa paligid ko

- karen- kadalasan mga acquaintance, syempre very basic. first name ko.matipid masyado.sa unang araw ng klase, syempre perstneym basis.


- karen kaye- naalala ko nung grade one ako, pinilit ako ng teacher kong gamitin ang pangalawang pangalang "kaye" kadugtong ng pangalan ko, mas bagay daw kasi na kapareha ng karen. madalas kong sabihin sa kanyang hindi nman un ang pangalan ko pero mapilit siya kaya sinunod ko nlang din sya. isa pa, cute nman ang may kaye sa pangalan. nang lumaon, bago ako maggrade two, nakita niya ang file ko at ipinatawag ako. tanong niya, "e karen lang naman pla ang pangalan mo, bakit gamit ka ng gamit ng kaye?". simula nun ang napagtanto ko na ang mundo ay magiging ganito. gaguhan.


- karac- tawag ng mga classmate ko nung high school,kasama na rin ng principal namin at mga teachers ko. pang.mock lang nila nung una. at tuluyan nang nakasanayan. sa kalaunan, naging tawag na rin ng ilang kaibigan ko sa college at ni mam dinky. ito rin ang pangalang nakatatak sa mga libro ko. kung merong nagawi sa yo, pakisauli nman…


- kaka- tawag ng mga pinsan at pamangkin kong bata. generally mga bata. mula sa natututo palang magsalita hanggang sa mga batang tamad magsalita.


- karidad- ay naku, dumaan din ako sa pangalang ito. tawag ng pinaka.favorite kong lolo sa akin.ay sensya, siya lang pala ang lolo kong nkagisnan, ever since.


- ka- tawag ng mga barkada ko sa college na close sa akin. pati ni mam merl at ni lakan. so far, itong tawag na to sa akin ang pinaka.nattouch ako pagnaririnig ko. wen someone calls me by this name, parang dapat pakinggan talaga dapat .


- ayen or yen- my dad, and my cousins na kasabayan kong lumaki


- kara- eto pasosyal na mejo matino, hindi mo aakalaing tawag to sa kin. ang tita kong si "monkey girl" ang madalas tumawag nito sa akin.


- twinkle- mga online frends. period.


- madam- pagtinawag mo ako nito, malamang taga-UP ka.


- paminta o yena- besprend cguro kita. pero isa lang tumatawag nito sa kin.


- braveheart- dati merong tumatawag nito sa akin. gabi gabi.ngayon, ms. raagas na ang tawag niya sa kin.


- ms. raagas- cguro professor kita at hindi tayo magkaibigan at nahuli mo akong nagtetext sa klase mo. o kaya, empleyado ka sa college sec ng UP.


- psst, hoy o uy- kung nakasabay kita sa bus o mrt o tricycle at hindi kita kilala. pag tinawag mo ko nito, malamang mahambalos kita.


bat ko ba to nasulat?wala. sayang ang miles.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Never Published

Karen is...




thinking of buying a Jansport backpack in preparation for college...once again!




hoping that the UPFI interview and exams are gonna turn out really well.

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

OMG

in reference to the previous blogpost, I was oblivious to the fact that today, while I was photo-grabbing, recollecting and sorely missing my college block, same day, three boring years ago, we were wearing the immaculate dresses and barong for Ran and proud sablays and then that snapshot was taken.


three fucking years ago.


that probably explains the sudden surge of melancholia...or for some emo-ness...

Shighing out Loud

While my boss is 2 meters away from my station, and here i am pretending to be doing something really important, I grabbed this pic from maphene's blog and start my way back to the sorely missed moments of our fortywinking lives...


Tuesday, April 28, 2009

post-something depression (probably caused by the recession...he he..rhyming...)

things i realized over the weekend (and some sidelights):

- Celine Dion is (was) my all time favorite artist; I watched her A New Day... performance and was awed. Or maybe awed is the understatement of the year.

- Celine Dion is my all time favorite artist; I was browsing through my aged autographs back in gradeschool, and there, written all over, was her name, Celine Dion, Favorite Singer.

- Celine Dion is my all time favorite artist; most especially because she sang "My Heart Will Go On" which happens to be the love theme of the film Titanic, which I watched 7 times in theatres back in 1998. (the first time I watched it, in Megamall, last full show, forgetting that the next day was my high school entrance exam in UST high. I got accepted though. My last name was the only one listed under letter "R")

- Celine Dion is my all time favorite artist; and after watching A New Day..., i realized I was having my post-Celine Dion depression.

- And I realized, after recognizing it, that whenever I get the chance to watch something extravagant, spectacular and "too big for my eyes" performances, I get depressed. I dunno how a post-partum depression feels but I bet it's somehow similar (hihee)...

- that I also had post-Loren Legarda depression, post-Meryl Streep depression, post-Mamma Mia depression, post-Sisterhood-of-the-Travelling-Pants-because-of-the-Santorini-location depression, post-EDSA-One-file-footage watching depression, post-Hacienda-Luisita-massacre-footage-watching depression...

haaay...how the great psychotic mind works...

Monday, March 23, 2009

Kunsabagay

napaisip lang ako,
habang ka-chat ko si daki sa facebook kanina,
nasabi kong,
bumili ako ng bagong damit,
para sa concert-tribute,
para ka tatay ed sa diliman,
na puno ng mga awiting,
masasaya,
makabuluhan,
madamdamin,
at nakapagpapaalala,
sa buhay at kung paano,
nabuhay ang tatay ed,
at kung paano,
sa mga sandaling yaon,
ay hindi dapat iyakan,
ang pangugulila sa kanya,
bagkus,
ay sumabay sa indayog,
sa tugtog at saka kumanta,
at magpasalamat,
na minsan,
ako,
siya,
naging bahagi ng buhay,
ng mga buhay naming isa't isa,
dahil kung hindi duon,wala sanang concert-tribute,
hindi sana ako bibili,
ng bagong damit,
na mababanggit kay daki,
sa chat namin sa facebook,
dahil wala naman akong
ganung maiisip...

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Race to Starbucks; Race for Something I Really Want. *or I maybe I thought I wanted.

For the past 4 days, I have been racing to and fro every Starbucks branch in Makati to find this stupid green tumbler that I have seen last Friday from Standard Chartered. It was the last piece of its kind in SC Starbucks but since they would not accept my 500 Sodexho GCs as payment, which I got for being the Top Supervisor for my pod last February, I had to leave it and went home sulking.

That night, my colleague Febes agreed to have her Starbucks GCs be exchanged for my Sodexho's for which she gives to her bankers whenever they get 2 straight hundred surveys. So I had my life straightened now. Tomorrow, I said, the tumbler is mine.

I was excited to take home the tumbler the next day so I arranged my pick up point for the shirts that CJ ordered in Standard Chartered Starbucks and to my dismay, Starbucks was closed on a Saturday. Perfect.
So I raced back to PeopleSupport where my team was patiently waiting for me to tell them that we could finally ride a bus going to Fairview as we were to spend the weekend in Bhadz home and off to LaMesa Ecopark on Sunday. So I checked the Starbucks in our building, no green tumbler; crossed Gil Puyat and checked Starbucks The Columns, no green tumbler; final destination: Starbucks RCBC, still no trace of the freaking tumbler. I had no choice but to go back even as I thought that there are still a couple more of Starbucks branches in Ayala-- Makati being the city with the most number of Starbucks branches in the country. I had to go back. My team was waiting.

A few more hours, 60 pesos worth of travel from Ayala to SM Fairview, we opened their Starbucks branch with coffee jellies, frap, green tea and some pastries but I got the same frustration as they also no longer have the green tumbler that I slowly turn to some search of the Holy Grail.

I managed to keep the tumbler quest off my mind for the meantime. I was, after all, picnicking barbecueing and having the time of my life with my superstars, my team. Over barbecue and Zipline in LaMesa Ecopark, I was able to forget the darn tumbler until Monday, when I had to replenish my tshirt stocks for orders and had to go to Greenhills. I was going to check the Starbucks branch and restart with my new found profession now until I noticed while flipping through my Belle de Jour planner that I left the GCs at home. Great, I muttered. I didn't bother to check Starbucks, as the addage, What you don't know won't hurt you, reminded me.
On my way back, which originally I planned to go straight to the office, I had to go back home to get the GCs and drop by Standard Chartered to finally get the tumbler. So I did. Only, the last mug that I was holding 3 days ago was no longer in their racks.

At this time, I knew that fate was doing intervening and I had no plans of retreating. A few minutes after I said Hello to my team, infuriated and frustrated, I crept out of the building to again check the Starbucks stores close to where I work. PeopleSupport, The Columns, RCBC, Valero, Insular, Security Bank, dela Rosa, Makati Stock Exchange-- walking! Finally, upon reaching MSE, and gazing up Makati Shang, I realized that I have gone so far not to continue walking until I reach Greenbelt and Glorietta. I remembered Starbucks 6750, the first ever Starbucks in the country, how could they not possibly have it? But yeah, it's possible for they also didn't have what I was looking for. Determined not to get back to the office tired and empty handed, I started counting the Starbucks left for me to go to. Greenbelt 3, Glorietta 4 and the one in Rustan's. I decided to go to the one in Rustan's, right beside the Lacoste boutique. And there, a few meters away, I could see green stuff waving at me-- I knew I have found it.

--

I wanted the tumbler so much that I had to pursue to find it up to this far. The more that I get frustrated about not getting it, the more driven I was to aim and get it. And when I know I can do anything to get it, I am sure, I am going to have it sooner than everyone else expects it.

--

I was for the longest time looking for love. Some said it can be found somewhere, just around the corner. I said, then, I must be walking in circles.

I wanted to have one like everyone else.

I am 23 years old, and my society is expecting for me to have one. It is dictating that it is but not normal not to have someone by your side at this time of my life. And that this, could be my sweetest escape against people accusing me of being a person belonging to the third sex. *no I don't have issues with them, only, I am really not one of them.

Or maybe not.

Because if I did, I could have run after it the same way that I did to the darn tumbler which now I fill with distilled water from the pantry.

Yes. Maybe not. Not at all.



Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Yesterday's Dream

I'm singing/typing this song based on memory.

I have known this song even before figuring out which one is the dividend or the divisor, what is the subject in the sentence 'Run." and long before crushes came and gone. chos.

We have sung this in every school program I can think of-- I mean everything, ultimo Buwan ng Wika.
The then super sikat *i think* na singing group 14k sang this. One of them, Ate Donnagift, came from the public school where I came from. Her mom was probably the best music teacher I had in my whole schooling days. Although, I only had a few, because Mrs. Leony Malbas was practically my music teacher in my enire gradeschool years. That explains it.

So here it is:

Yesterday's Dream

We are the children
Of yesterday's dream
We are the promise of the future we bring.

Waving the banner
Of love to all
THrough every nation
The rich and the poor.

refrain
We are the world
OF the restless and young
And we need a hand
to guide us.

Helping each other
Bulid each other
As long as we're together
You and me.

For together we stand
Divided we fall
Together we climb to
the top of the World.

We can be what we want
For the world to see
That we are the children
of yesterday's dream.

We have the yearning
to do what is best
Be someone special
from all the rest.

Nation and brothers and unity
Building tomorrow
for you
and for me

repeat refrain...

We are the dream came true
We are the children
Of yesterday's dream...



*or maybe something to that effect. i never really saw a copy of the REAL lyrics. I just sang it by how I heard it. :P

Friday, March 6, 2009

March 6

What's with today.

FrancisM succumbs to Leukemia at around noontime today.
I bet the whole nation will mourn for him in the next few days.
I, for instance.

--

What's with today.

I browsed through my old emails and found the following article, and I realized that nothing has changed two years after I wrote this.

I have always been a sentimental person. I usually dwell on things which are no longer with me. I have been fond of keeping memories from people that have long been gone out of my life and (stash) just about anything that would remind me of them every now and then. At home, I keep a box full of one or more of the following: scraps of gift wrappers from my friend's birthday gift for me, candy wrappers from market! Market!, dunkin' donuts' paper napkins with little notes in it (and another I snag because my crush held it when we dine in dunkin' one time), dried plants I got from hiking, notes being passed around the class either asking for answers or criticizing the prof's outfit for the day, old workshop id's and nametags, letters from grade school friends whom I've never heard of for ages, plastic rings (the ones you get along with the bubble gum that you buy), boracay sand kept in a small bottle and many other trinkets which my mom usually refer to as "junk". Some of these things have been with me for more than a decade, some I just tossed in recently. Nevertheless, whenever I open the box, the memories that come with these things flood me. Most of the time, it makes me feel good to remember where they came from and just what significant event I could associate with a candy wrapper I am holding. I keep them in a safeplace, for if my obsessive-compulsive mom finds them, I could only follow these stuff I have in the garbage truck which happens to pass by every morning.

My tendency to hold on to little things are perhaps explained by my fondness of keeping people "closer" to me. When I start to develop relationship with people, whether for friendship, romantic or professional, I keep them close and most of the time I hold on to them so tight, for so long, sometimes even long after they have left and gone out of my life.

This was me long before the time i wrote this down. And this, I have to tell, how my being in a contact center changed the way I keep things and more, in holding on to people.

Being my first job after college, I was introduced to a whole new fast-paced world of schedule flexibilities, work pressures and a tapestry of people to deal with. But I was able to cope up anyway. I was, after all, I told myself, geared to be resilient so I know I can stand the pressures. But not for long, along the way ,I've been encountering changes that I have to go through for me to "adapt" to my new world. And this is just one of those.

Right from the training that we had to undergo for more than a month, I've seen some my classmates leave the roster of trainees one by one. Some, survived only for the first week of training, while others left when there was only a week to go before we hit production. At first I when they started to leave without giving us prior notice, I felt bad; not even having to get their phone numbers or email addresses so I can still keep in touch with them. And it all ended there. The stories we've shared while on lunch at the pantry will remain just stories, I thought. Later on, when I got used to the trend, I started to realize that this is how it really works here. What you might be sharing with your friends at the contact center at that very moment should be, well, enjoyed because while you can still actually laugh and share stories tomorrow, you might not share them with the same people anymore. You'll never know who gets to stay the next day to share coffee with you and who gets to be the topic of next day's chit chat.

When we hit the production floor, team assignments was my new concern. I was transferred from one team to another twice. The last team that I belonged was I the longest that I have been with, so practically, I have invested much on the emotional aspect with the team and its members. There came the day when my supervisor told me that I was chosen out of the team. Bad thing was, we were chosen to be out of the team randomly; no basis. They just had to pull out three people out and that's it. I felt bad that I cried in front of my supervisor. I was thinking of how I will be needing to adapt again to my new teammates which I found out later were already tenured agents; I began to worry about how am I going to work hard to sustain and be part of the new team.

After the outburst, my supervisor talked to me which then I told him that I was already thinking of quitting the job. Before it happened, I was already asking for signs if I really should be staying in this job, far from what I ideally wanted which was to teach literature. My supervisor pointed out the things that I might be losing if I quit that very moment. Aside from the legal bonds that I am tied while serving my contract, I was committed to be flexible which of course includes, situations like this that you get to be transferred form one team to another from time to time. And so when my "alter ego" calmed down, and after my supervisor Pedro assured me that this is but a challenge to my resilience as a person and as a player in this field, I gradually understood things clearly now.

In a contact center industry like this, sentiments and emotions do not have a place in the production floor. We leave them at the locker and when we decide to access them later, we can just go back and get them once you log off from your pc's at the end of your shift. And as for the people who come and go from the production floor, we cannot hold them back and make them stay, so while they are still with us, we just have to draw the best on what there is to share with them.

I am turning tables now. the lifelong behavior of being a sentimental kid should and must grow now, I guess. After all, this is how people in our lives should be treated. I believe that our lives are just like the roads where people passes by when they travel. Some of these people may just travel your road once and never come back. Others, may pass by very often but have to leave at a certain point in time; while others choose to stay for good. Which ever among these people that you come across everyday, I think that we should learn to respect time to determine how long they will have to stay. When they leave, we should understand that while we can always look back to the memories, we should always live our lives forward.

--
What's with today.

I was told that I am among the supervisors that will be transferred to another account in the next few days. I am still not too sure what there is to feel about it but one thing for sure is that I am not shocked-- for where I worked, anything and everything can happen, whether you like it or not, whether the reason is plausible or absurd, subjective or objective, clear cut or no basis at all.

Anything.

And just when I am starting to jumpstart my long hiatus from sky rocketing stats for my "dreamteam", all of these are being taken away from me.

Life sucks. I know that. And you don't have to rub it all over again.


--
What's with today.

Or maybe I should use a "?" instead of "."

Saying Goodbye, and Remembering Tatay ED

For a change, I opted to start writing these series of blogs 30,000 ft. (or so) above sea level, yes while on board, Cebu Pacific flight bound to Manila. I came to Leyte for some reasons which I am about to tell you, in the next few blogs,—I came with these reasons in my mind and now, on my flight back to Manila, I will try to recall what I got accomplished and what are those that surprised me in the five-day planned and unplanned leaves.

I came home.

I came home to say goodbye to a loved one who left; I came home to see relatives whom I have not seen since I left for Manila after graduation; I came home to say hello to my friends and check what’s going on with their lives; I came home to have an excuse to get away from the city and call center life; I came home hoping I could write something essential, apart from coaching logs and call monitoring evaluations; I came home to either burn or rebuild wrecked bridges—connections that have been lost for years; I came home so I could perhaps remember the more important things I had, or still have.

Five-Six Days.
I asked a two-day vacation leave from my manager who did not allow me to go on a four-day VL last Christmas. He was finally compelled to give me a break when I reminded him that I have not been absent for some 3 months now and if and only if I was able to finish all my workloads before my very early morning flight which is around 4 am on February Friday the 13th. I did. And 48 hours prior to my flight homeward bound, I have not been able to sleep, maybe due to overexcitement and being frantic about how the trip will turn out to be. Going back, I only asked to be on VL on Friday the 13th, Saturdays and Sundays being my restdays are excluded, and Monday, Manic Monday. Originally, that was the plan. But then again, a place as far as Leyte, 45 minutes flight and 24 straight hours of travel through a bus, you can never have much time, can you? Today, by the way is Wednesday, February 18, 2009.

How it All Started.

The last time I went home to Leyte was during the All Visayas Writing Workshop in 2007. More than a year now. And since December of last year, I have been planning and thinking of going home but at the same time, there is this apparent force from I don’t know where, that keeps me from booking that Cebu Pacific flight online.
February 5. Towards the end of my shift, I was just waiting for time so I could logout and go home so I decided to type “Lakan Uhay Alegre” in Yahoo Search. I usually do this because this keyword would lead me to Tatay Ed’s articles written for the Business World. And from there I would read through his articles, which most of the time talks about how proud he is of Lakan, his son, 8 years old.

As the screen populates with the search results, I check on the unfamiliar entries so I could start reading through. I started with his “Near Death Ruminations” written on December 2 I guess, and I discovered how he was living through his heart ailments and how apparently, has he gave up some of the things he was enjoying just to ensure he’s on top of his health.

After a few more articles, I stumbled upon “Ode to A Dear Teacher” by Alex Castillo. Clicking the hyperlink, I was lead to an article with that title and with a subtitle that brought shiver down my miserable spine. “…Goodbye Sir Ed. You will be sorely missed” it says.

I quickly browsed through the article twice, as I don’t know what happened to my reading retention and comprehension that I was not able to understand a single thing that I was reading. And on the third attempt, I then had no choice but to accept what I was reading. And just when I thought that the cliché “I-didn’t-notice-that-the-tears-are-rushing-through-my-face” was absurd (how can you not know that), the very thing just happened to me. In a flash, my other colleagues were approaching me, asking what just happened and all I could say was, “My college professor just died.” They would not understand. And Tatay Ed was never my college professor. He was my life mentor. And did I say that I he died January 11? I cried yet another sea of tears. No one, apparently, told me.

The very same day, while walking through then empty Ayala Avenue with my friend Maphene, who was also never good in condoling those have lost someone, whether in love, life or a competition, we kept silent. That’s how we deal with most of our problems back then in Tacloban. We simply kept things in mum. For we know, in silence we have communicated better.

Over heart donuts and chocolate chocolate from Krispy Kreme, we knew we were fine. Or at least I should be. We then went on our separate ways as we go to our respective homes. And from there, I knew, I needed to do something.
No thinking this time. I told my mom that I will go home by the next weekend. I just said, I needed a break. Of course, I was lying. I could have gone like this forever and not notice that a year has gone by without anything to look back to. And in a few clicks, I was ready to board Cebu Pacific flight 5J 651 bound to Tacloban. As I do these sudden decisions, I stopped to think and realize that I could actually do this without even thinking. And I should have done this a long time. Now, when I come home, I would only get to see what has been and what was left of it. But my life is short. No time for these what if’s and could have been’s.

While on board, in the midst of snoozing passengers at 4 am, I looked out of the window and all I could see, 30,000 ft. above, were bleak city lights and slowly, darkness creeping in. I assured myself that this is the least that I could do. I may not be able to see him anymore but I felt the need to say goodbye to him “in person”. But I still don’t exactly know what I am supposed to do once this plane lands. I’ll play it by the ear.

In the middle of hello’s and welcome back’s with my good old friends, I was consistently being bugged of what my purpose was in coming back. So, after the Valentine’s Day I spent with my equally hopelessly love loser friends Clang, Yell and Lemuel, I came up with what I am going to do.

The next morning, after we slept in our “comfort zone” aka the UP Open University Office, sending Clang and Yell off, I walked in the streets of Tacloban aimlessly. I saw familiar places and I “saw” Tatay Ed. Brod Pits, Shakey’s, Hap Chan, Mlakin Tian, T Claudio—our dorm, Rizal Avenue, Duptour’s Terminal, Plaza Grill, Sto Nino, Jose Karlo’s and finally, Magsaysay. I walked in these streets, past these establishments where Tatay Ed and I once shared coffee, pizza, camaron rebosado, grilled chicken and a whole memory box worth of knowledge and snippets of life—of how we were not exactly a by-product of hundreds of years of colonization and continued colonizations, of how his other kids apart from Uyay were like, of how he and Nanay Joycie met –and how I promised that I will take up Film in UP, and that in Cannes or the Oscars, I will mention his name last to thank him, we ended jokingly.

I did not go to Holy Cross, where he was laid to rest. For a simple single reason that the place is unfamiliar to me. We have never walk that path, never went there when he was still here.

I went to every single street of Tacloban which I remembered Tatay Ed and I walked past by. I know, in essence, a part of him has stayed in those—and will probably stay on forever. Towards the last stop, which was Magsaysay Blvd., I sat down in the pavement and wrote him a letter. No, I did not burn or let the letter drift in Kankabatok Bay. I kept it. I finally said my last words.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Trip to Quiapo *not by Ricky Lee

Sunday. Restday ko.
Sa layunin kong maiba naman ang araw ko, bukod sa kumain, matulog, manuod ng tv at matulog at kumain ulit, ngdecide akong pumunta ng Quiapo para bumili ng materials for beadworks. Bakit beadworks? Wala lang. HIndi ko naman balak kumpetensyahin yung kebigan kong naging kagalit sa opis sa pagtitinda ng mga bracelets at iba pang shenanigans. Gusto ko lang may magawa at mapuntahan iba bukod sa kusina namin.

Mula sa amin sa Guadalupe, maraming daan patungo sa Quiapo. Yung pinaka sanay ako yung tinahak ko-- Taft sakay ng dyip byaheng Guadalupe-L Guinto-Bukid. Padating sa me San Andres, me nakita akong internetan na nag-oofer ng Scanning Service na 5pesos lang. Waw. Isip ko. Sa amin kasi, 10 or kinse. Pumara ako kahit na yung binayad ko eh diretso.

Bago ako makarating dun sa mismong internetan, me madadaanan kang karinderya/videokehan na duda ko eh nagiging kabaret din sa gabi dahil me paskin na "Wanted GRO with pleasing personality and fair skin" *kailangan talaga fair skin?* Sa harap nun, me mga nakasabit na damit sa mahabang makeshift na banggerahan gawa sa tubong me dalawang dipa ang haba at ilang dangkal na kahoy.

Aminin niyo, sa mga ukayan, ang unang nakakatawag ng pansin eh yung matitingkad na kulay na damit at kung paano sila maayos na nakasalansan ayon sa grupo nila-- tshirt sa tshirt, pantalon, shorts at bestida. So ayun, hawi-hawi ng konti sa mga nakasabit. Maya maya, may babaeng lumapit sa kin at ngtanong:

Ate: Ay, ay ate anu po yun.

Ako: *hmm hmmm hmm* Ay teh, magkano po to?

Ate: ang alin?

Ako: eto pong tshirt tsaka tong jacket?

Ate: ay hindi po, sinampay po namin yan.

Ako: *mapula yung tenga at namamaso* Ay sorry. Infairness, maganda po yung mga damit niyo huh. good Job. *as in yun yung sinabi ko*

Sabay sakay sa rumaragasang dyip na paparating, ni hindi man lang tiningnan ang sign board kung saan papunta.

FIN.

Monday, February 23, 2009

An Dalan Ngada ha Imo

I have not written a single attempt on poetry for quite some time now. I felt like my recent trip to Tacloban has culminated the year-long hiatus from writing-- not in the business sense that is, writing for reports, compliance and innumerable deliverables. No, I am not complaining, don't accuse me of whinning. It's just that, I have not written anything to describe my present state of being for the longest time. Except from “twiterring”: “karen is bored”, “karen is contemplating”, “karen is thinking”, my Facebook page is empty. If not for the “you're a fan of this and that” application, it is a visual representation of the sound of the crickets on a peaceful night in Biliran.

I could just simply change my status from “single” to “it's complicated” so my page will be swarmed with comments from my “friends” asking their endless why's and how's and who's. That's what they usually do. And they get really generous feedback for that. Nah, it's a futile attempt on my part. First, no one would care if I change status. Second, no one would ever believe.

My recent trip back home was like a spark plug-- jumpstarts me back to writing something else apart from what I eavesdropped from the floor, or what I saw in the jeepney on my way home to Guadalupe. Poetry. Poetry to be exact. Poetry, in my case is just about implying what the world is seeing at the moment, associating it with what I am feeling at the moment. Never mind the rhythm, forget about the measures. That's how I view poetry in my case—in my own rules.

And here, while I'm on my 4-hour long travel to Biliran Island, in my 2009 Hello Kitty datebook, I wrote this, in Waray-- because that's what I usually do. As such, the language has never failed me to say what I mean. And in my attempt to let my Tagalista peers understand, I came up with it's bastardized tagalog translation.




An Dalan Ngada ha Imo
alang kan Nanay Joycie



“In nga dalan,
Kun di ta na pag-aagian
Wawad-on, paparaon han mga banwa
nga dinhi maturok...”
-Ini nga Dalan, Voltaire Oyzon


Hagtaas na an mga banwa
Ito nga tanom nga ak natamakan,
Tunukon baya.
Ngan an sig-ot, ngan mga laya nga dahon,
abadaw kay kadamo.

Buot ko na unta humuyo na hin pagpinangita
Kay han kahaluag hini nga uma,
Hain ko daw la iton papamilnga?

Sige la,
kay it nga akon hinumduman
It nga akon gugma--
amo an maghaharas, manhahawan
it akon aagian
ngan ha imo,
dad-on ak utro hito nga dalan.

A rough translation of the Waray poem above:

Ang Daan Patungo sa Iyo
para kay Nanay Joycie

Matataas na yung mga damo
Yang tanim na natapakan ko,
matitinik pala.
Yung mga kalat at tuyong dahon,
ay talagang napakarami.

Gusto ko sanang tumigil na sa paghahanap,
kasi sa laki nitong kapatagan,
San ko naman kaya iyon hahagilapin?

Sige lang,
kasi ang iyong alaala,
ang iyong pagmamahal--
ang maggagapas,
ng aking daraanan
para muli,
dalhin ako ng daang iyon,
patungo sa iyo.
February 17, 2009
dalan tikadto Biliran

 

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Film Review 101: DOUBT

Streep is great, but the movie really belongs to Hoffman,
who hasn't been this good since Tootsie...


--natawa ako sa review na to.


halatang hindi nanuod. nagbasa lang ng poster.


http://www.tribute.ca/reviews/Doubt/17718/3

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Introduce Yourself...

I was browsing through my sent items of my seven-year-old yahoo email: girl_in_green16@yahoo.com and I found this:









It says,

From: Karen Raagas (girl_in_green16@yahoo.com) July 9, 2005
To: pi100mth@yahoo.com
Subject: ako po si...

ako po si karen villegas raagas
02-63952
magaling po akong mangupit, kumanta at sumayaw...
madalas po akong umiibig sa mga bading...
masaya po ako ngaun. ü



--we were asked by my PI 100 (Life and Works of Rizal) Professor to send in our student number and introduce ourselves by sending him an email.