Dreams, Closures and Everything in Between

It was probably closure — that thing they call when you finally want to get over something— that "something” that has to be done to signify finality and to somehow become a marker that tells you, “hey okay this is the end…” or something like that.

I have not been dreaming for the past weeks because I am barely sleeping. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind which coerces me to stay wide-awake and think things through. Some are trivial and do not even merit recognition while others are slowly consuming the rest of my energy. 

So tonight, without intending to, I slept earlier than usual on a Sunday night. 

I’m pretty sure you’ll get a million other little dreams going on in your head but only the clearest and the more recent usually stands out. 

I dreamt of him— the way I usually dream of him years after I met him. But not in the more recent years because, along with the old forgotten stories I had in the past, I shelved him in the deepest places where I could only see him if I decided to look up for something I am not sure still belonged to me. 

I dreamt of him; and in my dream, I went out with him to buy a pair of classic Tretorns. But before he picked me up, I prepared and tried to look good, not for him, but for myself. I remember staring at the mirror and I could clearly see myself looking back at me. I wore metallic blue shadows and my hair was curled perfectly. Dreaming or awake, I thought, that was the most beautiful “me” that I have seen. 

We went on to buy the Tretorns and I don’t really recall if we held hands or kissed or whatever, but I knew in that dream, it felt really good to be with him. 

It was the most amazing feeling in the world, but even I at that time knew that it was a dream— only because even though reality is painful and ruthless, it is never that hazy, or blurry or grainy like that. But I will take it anyway. And being a citizen of both this world and the ephemeral, I also knew when I had to snap out of it and wake up. 

It was 7 o’clock in the morning. And I think, this is the marker I have been looking for, for years. 

I hope you are reading this. 

To M, my sputnik sweetheart

In our lifetime together, 

You will lose me

And I will lose you

Many times over. 

But your love will be my map. 
I will always come back. 

Arkansas, Lohiko at Pilosopo

Sometime ago:

Person: eh sa Arkansas na pala sila nakatira.
Ako: *Arkanso*. Hindi Arkansas. Wag mo na itanong bakit kasi hindi naman ako taga-Amerika. Basta *Arkanso*.
Person: ay ganon.
*a few moments of silence*
Person: ay lumipat din sila eventually sa *Kanso* City.
Ako: Kanso? Anong Kanso?! Sa Amerika din ba yan? Ispel mo nga?
Person: ito oh, Kanso. K-A-N-S-A-S C-I-T-Y. Kanso.
Ako: magresign ka na bukas ha.

Dream, Witnesses and the next best thing to Immortality

Those people who know you best and whom you shared the worst and the best days of your life will bring back the most important memories of your life, in case you lose them along the way. 

Earlier today, my bosom friend sent me a message telling me that she dreamt of me last night, the monologue I presented in Prof. Alegre's theatre class where I played Eris, the Goddess of Discord. It was, I think, the greatest performance I did because I do not usually act on stage. This happened about a decade ago. Until today, I have lost this memory of me playing Eris. I am thankful for her reminding me this. 

I have always thought that our friends, our partners and our family perform the most noble function that is to be witnesses that we lived. They will always be a living proof of how well or how rotten we lived our lives. They, with so much hope, will outlive us to tell our story. And that I think is the closest substitute to immortality. 

(I woke up in the middle of my sleep to write this down. I thought of this in my dream, too. Thank you, Maphene )

Of Apologies, Noodles and Heavier Topics

This is Mr. Luk, the same guy in my previous post who painstakingly wrote the english translation of the more famous chinese dishes that he assumed we will be ordering. 

He treated us to a noodle dinner and a conversation that mostly involved sign language and crooked english, we came upon asking him if he has already gone to the Philippines. He said not yet and shook his head. Ate Jet, the woman seated beside him quipped, "ayaw niyan baka ma-Mendoza daw sya." I was too shy to ask what she meant by ma-Mendoza meant until Mr. Luk started describing the "former president who asked sorry". That's when I recalled what Erap was saying sorry for. It was a heavy topic to discuss over beef brisket, coke and beer. I would've wanted to say sorry too and tell him that not all Filipinos will "Mendoza" him, them but I didn't know how to.

Today.

The past few days have been very difficult. One moment, I was ecstatic, then another in grief, the next thing I was excited, and then suddenly desperate. My heart, apart from fat and bad cholesterol, has been covered with strength and resilience. Over the years that it has been pushing back life's greatest blows, it has grown stronger and tougher but always loving and compassionate. I think, I can still manage. ❤️

Of Song Titles, Love and Death and the Things That Matter Most

I was in gradeschool when I started hearing this song. I still wasn't good at figuring out the lyrics (that or understanding English at all) so I went by and fell in love with the melody. I hard a hard time figuring out what this song's title was because I didn't know the lyrics and the tone-deaf in me is also not helping me figure this song's title. My cousin Ingrid, finally, told me what the title was and since then, this song have made it through my tracks from cassette tapes, CDs and now MP3s.

On days when I wanted to act in front of the mirror for no particular reason, as some would recall this phase in our chilhood, I would play this song and without effort, my eyes would well up. And then later on, when I already was able to comprehend the lyrics, I fell in love with the song again. 

But only when I was able to actually experience things (beyond understanding the language it is saying) like death and love was I able to fully relate to this song. 

This has got to be my life soundtrack. And then Moon River. 

This throwback post is for Jai and Luv. 

Because what matters most is that we loved at all.

 It's not how long we held each other's hand

What matters is how well we loved each other

It's not how far we travelled on our way

Of what we found to say

It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms

What matters is how sweet the years together

It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall

The early morning smiles we tearfully recall

What matters most is that we loved at all.

Ps. Kenny Rankin sing What Matters Most. Kenny Rankin. Karen Raagas. What are the odds, eh?

Saying Goodbye -- For good, For Love, for Death

I bade 2 friends goodbye today.

One, decided to move back to their home in the Visayas and chose love over a blossoming career in the city. She decided to follow her boyfriend's advise to be with him instead. She didn't mention plans of getting married but sacrifices like these would only mean bigger things for them. And with so much hope, I pray they end up together, eventually.

They actually broke up back in college when, I guess, the guy thought my friend was too young and immature for him. My friend told me, she never expected that they would even end up as friends as this guy told her that he never became friends with is ex-es. But then, one morning he realized that perhaps life is so short for him not to follow his heart and so he added my friend in FB and the rest as they say is history.

I told her I never had doubts that they would eventually end up with each other. (Although I still sometimes think that the guy back then was a jerk breaking up with her for his reasons.) So now, I'm glad they are together and that my friend chose love over anything. It wasn't surprising after all. That probably is common among us-- Fortywinks, my college barkada. We will choose Love over anything. No matter what.

-----

I lost Luv because of her heart.
In May 23rd, she suffered what seemed to be a cardiac arrest-- the first, worst attack, according to her family, and sadly the last. She only lasted for hours after the attack.

She was able to write notes to her family and all the while, she was looking for WiFi hotspot to be able to say goodbye to her sister in Dubai and to us perhaps. She wasn't able to do so. However, we are happy to assume that she remembered us before she went and that now, she is free from suffering and I guess happier now.

It was four Christmases since I last saw her, and about 2 years ago when we last had a conversation.
But I never thought of ifs or buts because I know, the time I have spent with you was more than enough for me to be a witness of how you lived. We will love her just the same.

-----

Being in the middle of this exodus, I still find it something to be grateful to be part of their lives-- and that I am thankful to the Universe to allow us to meet each other during our journey. And be it for love, or for death-- life is beautiful as it is.

Love.

Ito yung pinakafavorite kong kuha nating dalawa. Di pa uso ang selfie nuon. Or at least hindi pa tinatawag na selfie yung mga ganyan. Nagaabang tayu ng jeep papuntang Ayala niyan I guess, sa me triangle sa Buendia, malapit sa Tropical. Mejo mataba ka pa rito, at ako di hamak na mapayat pa ng kaunti. :)

Sorry at yun palang lunch natin some four Christmases ago sa Alabang ay syang huli na nating pagkikita. Pero alam ko, mahigpit kitang nayakap nuon at totoong masaya akong nakasama ka. Kaya nga kami umeffort na sa Alabang magkita kita maski lahat kami ay taga-Makati, kasi ilang Christmas na rin yung nalaktawan mo, kasi hindi mo na kayang bumiyahe mag-isa.

Pasalamat pa din ako sa lahat ng mga pagkakataong nagkasama tayu sa mga lakaran, tawanan, at kainan. Sana masaya ka na ngayun at wala nang dinaramdam.

Mahal ka namin. At patuloy na mamahalin maski wala ka na.

I Was Never Little

Kwentuhan kanina sa opis about how my friend, Nelson na pinakyaw lahat ng sakit sa hospital, is already gaining weight. Sabi niya, 60 kilos na daw sya now from 52 nung lumabas sya ng hospital. I was like, "60? Ngayon? Eh ako nung naging timbang ko yung 60 parang grade three palang ako eh." "Grade 3?? Sobra ka naman teh." "Bakla, I was never little." Which is true. Kasi ginamit lang yung description sa akin na 'little' nung fetus ako. After nun, SM Teens na agad. Blowing Bubbles, Petit Monde and Pink Soda na agad. Walang Osh Kosh o Snoopy. 

Pinakadreaded day ko sa school year yung timbangan at sukatan ng height. Ok lang sa height, kasi until, I think, Grade 5 ako, ako pa yung pinakamatangkad sa class namen. Pero, naturally, ako din yung pinakamabigat. 

Isipin mo yung kapag ako na yung tatawagin ni Mrs. Claudio, gusto kong bulungan na, mam, pwede ba mamayang after class nalang ako? Pero wichels. At animo'y spectacle, lahat ng classmates ko nakapalibot sa akin at sa timbangan. 

Pagtapos makuha yung timbang ko, sasabihin nung mga patpatin kong classmates: "Ha?!? 60? Mam! 60 po si Karen! Uy kami nang tatlo yun ah." Magaakbayan at magtatawanan pa yung mga bulate. 

Bakit ko nakwento? Kasi kapag nagkkwento ako tungkol sa kabataan ko, lagi ko sinasabi consciously, "when I was a kid..." Kasi I was never little. Haha

Law of Impenetrability

No two matter can occupy the same space, at the same time. 

Parang pag-ibig lang yan. 

Yes, naikunek ko. 

How to Annoy a Sleeping Cat and How Fast Karma Kicks In

This is how to annoy a sleeping cat and eventually get attacked in the face. 

Japan

Hindi biro itong byaheng Japan na to. Financially, kelangan syang paghandaan kasi nakakacardiac arrest talaga yung difference ng mga bilihin and all. Yung venti mong kape sa Starbucks, 140-150 duon 250-300; flag down ng cab 300-350 depende kung nasaan ciudad ka ng Japan. Yung 500ml na coke sa pet bottle na 25-30 pesos eh 75-80 pesos duon. Example lang yan. Tinigilan ko na magconvert after kong ma-multiple bypass operation. 

Sa mga hindi physically fit kagaya ko, na maximum distance ng nilalakad ay pantry to workstation lang, kelangan magprepare din. Walang traysikel sa Japan. At bagamat napakadali at napaka-well thought ng train and subway system nila, kelangan mo pa rin maglakad. Kung bet kong kumulture, kelangan mong malaman na ung mga castles at temples ay bihira ang nasa kapatagan. Lahat nasa kabundukan at kailangang akyatin-- maski yung pinakafavorite kong Fushimi Inari Shrine na nasa labas lang mismo ng train station eh inakyat pa rin namin para lang mag-umarteng Sayuri among the torii gates. On certain parts of the year, bilang four seasons sila, napakalamig. Dun ko narealize yung essence ng 'biting cold'. Mapapamura ka. Eh spring pa ngayon, panu nalang kung winter. 

Kelangan mong magadjust sa kanila. Bansa nila yun. Wag kang umarte. Tatayu ka sa bus o train kapag may matanda regardless kung makakalas na sa binti mo yung mga paa mo; lilinisin mo yung pinagkainan mo maski gaano pa kamahal yung bill mo; bubuhatin mo yung mga bagahe mo para ilagay sa trunk maski pa walong beses na sing mahal ng flagdown nila ang dito sa atin; ipaplastic mo ung mga grinocery mo maski na pinagbayad ka pa ng ekstra para sa plastic; kung hindi ka nila maintindihan sa ingles mo, wag kang magpapakita ng frustration sa kanila, magcharades ka kung kinakailangan. 

Pero napakaganda ng Japan para sa matakot ka sa pagpunta. Pwedeng bumiyahe sa Japan ang sampung taong gulang na mag-isa basta marunong syang magbasa; kung bulag ka, hindi ka nila papabayaan na mabangga dahil lahat ng kalsada, estasyon ng tren o airport may linyang gagabay seo. 

Higit sa ganda ng kultura at mga pupuntahan sa Japan, bibigyan nia ng closure yung mga pangarap mo nung bata ka pa-- sila Sailormoon, Hello Kitty at ang lahat ng Sanrio characters, Tamagotchi, Detective Conan, Astro Boy at Kimba pati sila Doraemon at tropa nia. Maski yung kanluraning Disney, naisip na rin nila para seo. Yung Bandai, Sega, Nintendo at marami pa. Magready kang maging emosyonal sa napakaraming pagkakataon.  

Pamamanghain ka ng mga Sakura at papaalalahanan ka kung gaano kaganda ang buhay-- dahil gaya ng pamumukadkad ng mga sakura, ang buhay ay fleeting, hindi laging anjan. Kaya sya spectacle kasi hindi sya nandyan palagi gaya ng santan at gumamela. 

At higit sa lahat, marerealize mo (or ewan ko lang ha, kasi ako oo) na matagal nang may pitak ang Japan sa puso mo. Maski nung bata ka pa. Mavavalidate mo lang ulit. At masisinghot, madadama first hand. 

Ibook mo na yan. ;)

To My Cat Who Doesn't Know How To Read

Dearest Catniss, 

I don't ever think that you'll eventually learn to read to know what this letter would mean but I hope, in everyday I will get to show you and make you feel how I love you. 

I never had any pets that were not contained in a tank of water ever since I was a kid. I and Papa are asthmatic so i don't need to further elaborate why. i became contented with the goldfish and paco we bought in in Cartimar. 

Our house in Makati could barely fit us all.  We had no room for pets except one time, I had to insist and bought a small fishbowl which eventually occupied the makeshift dining table. 

Our the apartment we now have in Westbank seemed a little conducive for having pets. But still, dogs and cats like you were expensive. Mitchi who had more than a dozen of dogs in her former house turned down my idea of getting a pet. For so many reasons. Perhaps she got tired of taking care of pets or she probably thinks I suck at these things.

Then, during the Christmas season of 2013, I finally had you. Mitchi finally agreed and bought you. You were meek and quiet. Probably the stress you experienced from the long haul of you previous home to your new house which was mine. 

You were so tiny. I didn't have any pet carrier then so I slid you in a medium sized Mango paper bag which you only occupied half of it. Your food was Whiskas Junior in Tuna flavor. And when your previous owner started telling me about dry and wet food, deworming, vaccinations, rabies shots, grooming and all, my heart started to panic. Aren't cats supposed to be auto-pilot pets? I thought. 

So slowly, reality sneaks in. You pee and poop on random time of the day. And your poop? Gosh. I was warned that cats poop are really worse than the dogs' but i underestimated it. Even the cat sand couldn't be of any help. From 10 meters away, I would know if it's time for me to clean you up. 

You scratch and bite just about anything-- even the hands that feed you. Yes, quite literally. Thanks to you, my hands are now full of bruises and cuts and bite marks whenever I try to feed you, play with you and most especially when I bathe you. Our Apple chargers and other wirings are now dented and left with your bite marks. I only wish that you won't get electrocuted in time. That would be terrible.

My grocery cart used to have shampoo, soap, lotions, a few cold cuts and meat. Now, sometimes, I had to skip the meat section just so I would have enough money to buy you Whiskas and milk. 

Before I got you, my boss kept telling me that I will lose my right to call in sick due to asthma the moment I get to have a cat. Since then, I have never been late nor absent due to asthma. Afterall, I wasn't allowed to, at all. My asthma did not get better by having you. I just stopped complaining about it. 

I once brought you to the vet clinic to have your ears cleaned as they were alarming to see. Then the vet found out you had earmites and prescribed medications and all. At the end of the day, I found myself paying for your medical bill which is almost equals to my 3-day pay. 

It would be too early to say that you were the pivotal moment of my life. That would be an exaggeration. But having you means I am responsible for another life and whose needs depend on me so I have to go home early to feed you, bathe you and let you play. 

You are not an easy task to have. You definitely did not come with a manual for me to read and a money back guarantee in case I couldn't handle you anymore. But I'd say, you are worth it. 

Love, 

Ker

Moving Out, Moving Up and Moving On

I've finally decided to keep all my thoughts in one repository in the web. Aside from the fact that I am THAT lazy to update a single blog site, cost-wise, it is not also a good idea maintaining two sites when you're not writing anything in them anyways. haha. so yeah, I'm keeping this site www.wandergirl.me as it is. I will miss that neat blog though. Although Blogger has been my home for years now, Wordpress still has a lot of things I prefer over Blogger. But yeah, no need to mention them now.

I decided to write not just about travels but about anything and everything. My blog, Kwentong Karenderya at iba pang Kwentong Walang Kwenta translates to Stories from Karenderya, and other worthless stories. Or something like that. Karenderya is a type of restaurant in the Philippines which are mostly along the busy areas and streets. It usually serves a lot of Filipino dishes with the masses as its target market. Food being sold in karenderyas are relatively cheap, dishes that are normally being cooked at home. Nothing fancy. Sometimes, even risky, as there are karenderyas whose food preparation are unsanitary. Think about gastroenteritis, diphteria, diarrhea etc. But people take risks. I guess it's human nature. Ahaha.

So why Karenderya? It began with wordplay -- my name being Karen. Then later on, I realized my blog could actually be just like the karenderya-- a mixture of everything I could think of. It is something close to home because I share experiences that one can easily relate to. It can even make you feel sick -- of how I write and what I write about. But ultimately, you take risks -- of being entertained, or being sick. Or maybe both. :)

--------

I am towards the last leg of my project for my Managerial regularization and things aren't working out as planned. My project, instead of getting better went out of hand. I'd say being the project leader, I too have a lot to learn from this experience. Too bad it happened right now when my regularization is at stake.

In a week's time, I'd find out if I get to keep the job or I go back to where I was.
I'm not sure if the stars, my stars are listening right now to my heart. But I sure hope they are.

---------

Like I said, it will just be a week from now to find out if I will get to keep this post.
But immediately, I started getting over it, accepting that I was flawed and probably did not deserve that.
I will stick to what we have planned in the beginning and work on it until the very end. This project may not be as successful as I, we, envisioned it to be but I owe it to the people who helped through the dirty work. I owe it to them so I will fight it until the very end.

And my heart says, I want this badly. So I will have it no matter what.
 

Catniss

'Wooow angkyut naman ng pusa mo, anong pangalan?'
'Catniss...'
'Catniss Everdeen!'
'Hinde.'
'Hunger Games?'
'Catniss. Ornussa Catniss.'

Last ko na.

Eli

Dahil wala na akong ibang topic na mabasa, enieni ko nalang naisip ung anak ni Bernard Palanca at Meryll Soriano na sobrang cute sa print ad ng Milk Magic. So ni-google ko yung "Eli Palanca". Isa lang at mejo malabo pa ung lumabas na image so inisip ko baka Soriano yung ginagamit kako ni Eli. Nasamid ako nung eto yung lumabas. 

ang sakit sa ulo. 

Signs. Signs and Cherry Blossom Dreams.

Been cramming and working lately to make it to the cherry blossom season this year but the odds seem not to be in my favor. Today, while window shopping, I thought, maybe, if not for the cherry blossoms, I'm probably bound to go somewhere else, but where could it be? Then I saw (refer to photo #3); 

No. It can't be, I thought. With a lot of things going on, maybe now is not the time for me to see the cherry blossoms-- while dropping by National Bookstore to check on Wicked tickets, the magazine in the rack says (refer to photo #2). 

Argh. This cannot be happening. I'll go there someday, somehow. Japan, Osaka most especially, can wait for me someday. But then again, the pants' tag says otherwise-- (refer to photo #1)

I swear to God, they all came when I asked. 

Maybe, just maybe, I'm really bound to move. Today is just so f*cking amazing. 

Shake Off

Interview: 

'Do you watch films?'
'Very seldom, Mam.'
'That's okay. But on top of your head, what's your most fave film?'
'Ahh, movie Mam?'
'Yes.'
'Uhm. Horror Mam..'
'Which film in particular?'

*10second pause*

'Uhm, "Shake Off" Mam'*gestures " "* it was just shown last year.
'Uh, okay. I haven't heard of that. Although I'm not really a fan of horror films. So can you tell me more about that?'
'Ah yes Mam. In our dialect, it's actually called "Pagpag" by Daniel Padilla.'

Ok. So para dun pala yung 10second pause-- sa "Shake Off" *gestures " " *

Interviews.

Kasabay ng pagcompile ko ng mga Ops interview bloopers, ginagawa ko din yung seryosong article about the basic do's and don'ts during interview sa Call Center. Baka sabihin naman ng mga epal jan eh I'm just making fun of these. 

I don't claim to be an authority pagdating sa interview portion. Bukod sa isang 2-day workshop and cerification sa Behavioral Interview, wala naman akong background sa interview portion. Pero dahil tawag ng tungkulin-- maging Lead ng isang LOB na kung mag-ramp every year eh one million, at ngayung manager naman na at syang nago-Ops validation, malaking portion ng konting kaalaman ko eh galing sa experience. 

Hindi masaya mag-interview. Sa totoo lang. Yung mga pinopost kong bloopers dito, nagkakataon lang na me comic relief. Apat-limang oras sa isang shift kami maginterview lalo na kapag ramp. Walang tayuan yun. Minsan, maski alam na naming bagsak, papatagalin lang namin kaunti para lang makainom ng tubig o kape. Paulit ulit ang questions. Lalo na kung may specific na target profile kang hinahanap. (Naks naman sa target profile).

Hindi masayang maginterview. Hindi best feeling ang mag-break it to me gently ng balita sa aplikante na kansel sila. Minsan, talagang magaling naman, kaso hindi lang yun ang profile na hinahanap. Minsan, kansel talaga. Pero sige nga, pano mong ibbreak-to-me-gently ang balita sa first time applicant, full of energy and hope and confidence na waley sya? Habambuhay niang maalala yung moment na dinecline mo sya sa pinakaunang attempt nia. Eh panu kung mapagpaniwala pala sya sa signs? At yun ang sign na inakala nia. Gets mo? 

Minsan, two or three years ago, may ininterbyu ako. Nakapasa sya. Pero ginabi na sya ng uwi kasi sooobrang dami ng initerbyu ko. Nagsign sya ng JO nia at nagthank you pa sya sa akin nung gabi na yun. Nung gabi ding Yun yata, habang tumatawid sya sa Meralco Ave., nahit and run sya ng pampasaherong jeep na nagbeat ng red light. Nadala pa sya sa hospital pero namatay din eventually. Nakilala lang sya kasi nakuha sa kanya yung envelope niang 'I just got hired in Aegis!'. 

Umiyak ako nun ng matagal. Inisip ko, kung binilisan ko ba ung interview, nakauwi kaya sya ng maaga? Kung hindi ko kaya sya ipinasa, uuwi na kaya sya at magaapply nalang sa Trend Micro sa taas? Pero siguro, hanggang dun nalang sya. Hindi pa ako nakakamove on dun.

Hindi masaya mag-interview. Pero trabaho ko yun. Hindi best job ang mag-interview, pero sa interview, maraming kwento. Maraming kwento na hindi alam ng marami kaya ako nalang ang magkkwento. ;)

Travel Plans

Sharing my (travel) plans for this year: 

Carmela : ha?! Lahat yun? 
Me: oo, yung iba tentative pa lang naman pero sinama ko na sa plans. 
C: ang dami mo namang ppuntahan. Ano, may taning na ba yung buhay mo? 

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
antagal ko nakamove on dito.

Square One.

Finally decided to leave all my thoughts and stories to be told here in this blog. I can't simply make up my mind on deciding what to name my blog when I realized that there's actually so much things to write apart from my travels. I will put them all here, and hopefully I'll be able to write as I think. So yeah, eventually, i may have to give up Wandergirl.Me, my travel blog which I started a year ago. 

I hope to soon finally be able to find time and the strength to start writing again. Right now, my spare time from my stressful work is merely utilized for catching up for lost opportunities to sleep. I don't want to look back in this beautiful life years from now with nothing but my bed sheets and Hello Kitty pajamas. Although my mind actually has a capability to entertain me while sleeping through my often cinematic and always in clear vivid colors, I still think that life is best experienced as it happens-- that's why it's called live. 

So, let me go back to my Performance Project which is loooong overdue then let me claim my life back. ;)

Users Friendly

Minsan nakakatrauma yung mga people from the past mo na enieni nalang magpapakita at magpapasense. Tas magmmeet kayu-- either uutang pala or may ibebenta. Lolz. Just sayin'.

Buti sana kung mga pag-ibig from the past na nagpapasense. Alams na.

Overheard

CR. Sayang at Nasa loob ako ng cubicle. Iniwan ko ung backpack ko sa sink. 

"Tong si keme pa-OTRD na naman! Eh birthday ni Lola!"
"Eh di makibirthday ka tas pasok ka nalang"
"Eh birthday nga ng Lola ko! Kala mo sya walang pamilya, pati ba naman RD, OT pa din?"
"Uy maya marinig ka nian eh."
*tahimik*
"Baklaaaa bag nia yan! Labas bilis!!!"

Mamaya, makikinig ako ng calls. Bobosesan ko kung sinu yun.
*sinister laugh*
O kaya...CCTV. *bwahahahahaha*

NT Logins

Our network login in the office is the first letter of our name and our last name. So that makes mine KRaagas. 

My seatmate Sean, whose real name is Noriel Andaya makes it NAndaya. (I just realized today.) His middle name, aptly, is Manalo.

Some things you can't move on that easy. Hahaha.

16gb

Freeing up my storage. I realized there's like 10gb of photos I haven't shared yet.

The thing with having a 16gb fixed memory for a phone compels you to let go of things that needs to go. Either you keep all the "junk" and eventually prevent you to "take another photo" and create new memories be for instagram or your actual 'memory' or free things up and be able take another photo of your cat or your selfie with your new do;

and maybe, just maybe, even take videos on better days.

Akalain mong naikunek ko yun.

Confidence, Push mo Yung Dreams Mo and 60 minutes Shining Moment

Kinukwento ko kay Mitchi kung gaano ako ka-confident nung bata pa ako. Gusto ko kasi talagang maging majorette nung gradeschool. Nuon, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit ayaw akong pasalihin sa mga majorette ng drum and lyre corps namin. Feeling ko talaga acceptable yung figure kong maging majorette. Hindi ko alam kung wala lang nangahas na nakapagsabi sa akin o hinayaan lang talaga nila akong maniwala na hindi ako mataba para magmajorette. Haha. Feeling ko talaga hindi ako mataba nun. But of course, I was never little. Nung nagsimula akong mag-aral, Parisian na kagad ung sapatos ko, ni hindi ako dumaan sa SM kids. Yung mga tshirt ko Blowing Bubbles na agad-- hindi man lang Snoopy ganun.

So eto na, balik na tayu sa majorette things. Lyre ang tinutugtog ko nung gradeschool. Inaaral ko sa bahay ng mabuti yung piyesa ng mga tugtugin namin. Para alam ko na pag practice, at habang nagaaral palang sila, ako andun na chumichika sa mga majorette at inaaral yung mga da moves nila. Pero ayaw nga kasi ako pasalihin. Ang kuda ni Sir Payte, ung coach namin, magaling daw kasi akong tumugtog at magsaulo. Dun nalang ako sa mga naglalyre.

Dumating na ung araw ng sukatan ng costume. Lalong lumukso yung puso ko nung malaman kong Sailormoon yung uniform ng mga majorette. Orange tsaka green-- kulay ni Binay yun kasi. Pero kebs na, sa isip ko, Sailormoon yung kanila. Sobrang favorite ko si Sailormoon. Kaso, yung aming mga lyrist, boring na puting skirt at polo. Pero wala, hindi rin talaga ako nakalusot. Hindi naman din ako nalungkot pero hindi pa rin ako naggive up sa pangarap kong maging majorette.

One time, Nutrition Month yata nun. Absent ba o nasa ibang contest yung lahat ng majorette namin. Walang magllead ng banda. Chance ko na yun. So, sumimple ako dun sa coach namin, sabi ko ako nalang, alam ko yung formation nila (maski wala namang mgaganap na formation kasi nga wala ngang majorette na iba). "Eh panu ka naman mag-mmajorette eh wala ka namang baton?" "Wait lang po." Muntikan siguro syang mahimatay nung nakita nia yung sparkly shiney kong baton na nasa bag ng lyre ko all the while.

And yes, once upon this dreamer's life, almost two decades ago, naging majorette ako for an hour or so. Wala siguro masyadong makakaalala nun pero ako, sobrang linaw ng moment na yun.

Ayun. Share ko lang.

Sa cab:

Mitchi: *nagreready ng pamasahe* may 50 ka ba?
Me: wala. I'm a rat.
Mitchi: huh?
Me: broke as a rat
Mitchi: ha?
Me: poor. Poor as a rat! Lintek. 

Wag na kasi ipilit yung mga idioms. Haha.

To make other people's lives easier.

Kada simula ng taon, naglilista ako ng mga gusto ko puntahan, gusto kong maexperience, san pwedeng bagong kainan. Naggive up na ako sa cliche na new year's resolution kasi hindi ko naman talaga nagagawa. Pero yung ultimate kong gustong gawin, at maging guide sa araw araw eh yung "to make other people's lives easier".

Hindi sya SMART goal i know. Hindi sya specific, hindi sya measurable, pero palagay ko attainable sya at somehow realistic, at hindi rin kailangang time-bound. Ayoko namang isipin na, gusto ko lang gawin to hanggang gantong taon lang or hanggang next year, gusto ko sana palagi lagi. Kaya lagi ko tong inaachib na maachieve. Hindi perfect kasi may mga moments pa ding nagiging pasakit ako sa buhay ng ibang tao-- emotionally and other --ally. Pero lagi akong nagsstrive to do it. 

"To make other people's lives easier." Ambigat. Ang hirap, pero pwede. 

*yung statement na yan ay hindi ko original. Nakuha ko pang sa trainer ko nuon at nag-agree lang ako na applicable naman sya, at at will, pwede namang gawin. 

Epekto na to ng paracetamol. 

Tacloban, Haiyan and Memories of Tacloban Before Haiyan

For the first time since Haiyan, I dreamt of Tacloban-- and how it used to be, in full vivid colors. I woke up with a happy and a broken heart at the same time. It was heartbreaking because physically, it will never be the same again after the tragedy but still thankful that I was able to live in this small city and I have really good and fond memories to hold on to.