It was probably closure — that thing they call when you finally want to get over something— that "something” that has to be done to signify finality and to somehow become a marker that tells you, “hey okay this is the end…” or something like that.
I have not been dreaming for the past weeks because I am barely sleeping. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind which coerces me to stay wide-awake and think things through. Some are trivial and do not even merit recognition while others are slowly consuming the rest of my energy.
So tonight, without intending to, I slept earlier than usual on a Sunday night.
I’m pretty sure you’ll get a million other little dreams going on in your head but only the clearest and the more recent usually stands out.
I dreamt of him— the way I usually dream of him years after I met him. But not in the more recent years because, along with the old forgotten stories I had in the past, I shelved him in the deepest places where I could only see him if I decided to look up for something I am not sure still belonged to me.
I dreamt of him; and in my dream, I went out with him to buy a pair of classic Tretorns. But before he picked me up, I prepared and tried to look good, not for him, but for myself. I remember staring at the mirror and I could clearly see myself looking back at me. I wore metallic blue shadows and my hair was curled perfectly. Dreaming or awake, I thought, that was the most beautiful “me” that I have seen.
We went on to buy the Tretorns and I don’t really recall if we held hands or kissed or whatever, but I knew in that dream, it felt really good to be with him.
It was 7 o’clock in the morning. And I think, this is the marker I have been looking for, for years.
I hope you are reading this.