Friday, May 30, 2014

Today.

The past few days have been very difficult. One moment, I was ecstatic, then another in grief, the next thing I was excited, and then suddenly desperate. My heart, apart from fat and bad cholesterol, has been covered with strength and resilience. Over the years that it has been pushing back life's greatest blows, it has grown stronger and tougher but always loving and compassionate. I think, I can still manage. ❤️

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Of Song Titles, Love and Death and the Things That Matter Most

I was in gradeschool when I started hearing this song. I still wasn't good at figuring out the lyrics (that or understanding English at all) so I went by and fell in love with the melody. I hard a hard time figuring out what this song's title was because I didn't know the lyrics and the tone-deaf in me is also not helping me figure this song's title. My cousin Ingrid, finally, told me what the title was and since then, this song have made it through my tracks from cassette tapes, CDs and now MP3s.

On days when I wanted to act in front of the mirror for no particular reason, as some would recall this phase in our chilhood, I would play this song and without effort, my eyes would well up. And then later on, when I already was able to comprehend the lyrics, I fell in love with the song again. 

But only when I was able to actually experience things (beyond understanding the language it is saying) like death and love was I able to fully relate to this song. 
This has got to be my life soundtrack. And then Moon River. 

This throwback post is for Jai and Luv. 
Because what matters most is that we loved at all.

 It's not how long we held each other's hand
What matters is how well we loved each other
It's not how far we travelled on our way
Of what we found to say
It's not the spring you see, but all the shades of green

It's not how long I held you in my arms
What matters is how sweet the years together
It's not how many summertimes we had to give to fall
The early morning smiles we tearfully recall
What matters most is that we loved at all.


Ps. Kenny Rankin sing What Matters Most. Kenny Rankin. Karen Raagas. What are the odds, eh?

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Saying Goodbye -- For good, For Love, for Death



I bade 2 friends goodbye today.

One, decided to move back to their home in the Visayas and chose love over a blossoming career in the city. She decided to follow her boyfriend's advise to be with him instead. She didn't mention plans of getting married but sacrifices like these would only mean bigger things for them. And with so much hope, I pray they end up together, eventually.

They actually broke up back in college when, I guess, the guy thought my friend was too young and immature for him. My friend told me, she never expected that they would even end up as friends as this guy told her that he never became friends with is ex-es. But then, one morning he realized that perhaps life is so short for him not to follow his heart and so he added my friend in FB and the rest as they say is history.

I told her I never had doubts that they would eventually end up with each other. (Although I still sometimes think that the guy back then was a jerk breaking up with her for his reasons.) So now, I'm glad they are together and that my friend chose love over anything. It wasn't surprising after all. That probably is common among us-- Fortywinks, my college barkada. We will choose Love over anything. No matter what.

-----

I lost Luv because of her heart.
In May 23rd, she suffered what seemed to be a cardiac arrest-- the first, worst attack, according to her family, and sadly the last. She only lasted for hours after the attack.

She was able to write notes to her family and all the while, she was looking for WiFi hotspot to be able to say goodbye to her sister in Dubai and to us perhaps. She wasn't able to do so. However, we are happy to assume that she remembered us before she went and that now, she is free from suffering and I guess happier now.

It was four Christmases since I last saw her, and about 2 years ago when we last had a conversation.
But I never thought of ifs or buts because I know, the time I have spent with you was more than enough for me to be a witness of how you lived. We will love her just the same.

-----

Being in the middle of this exodus, I still find it something to be grateful to be part of their lives-- and that I am thankful to the Universe to allow us to meet each other during our journey. And be it for love, or for death-- life is beautiful as it is.

Love.

Ito yung pinakafavorite kong kuha nating dalawa. Di pa uso ang selfie nuon. Or at least hindi pa tinatawag na selfie yung mga ganyan. Nagaabang tayu ng jeep papuntang Ayala niyan I guess, sa me triangle sa Buendia, malapit sa Tropical. Mejo mataba ka pa rito, at ako di hamak na mapayat pa ng kaunti. :)

Sorry at yun palang lunch natin some four Christmases ago sa Alabang ay syang huli na nating pagkikita. Pero alam ko, mahigpit kitang nayakap nuon at totoong masaya akong nakasama ka. Kaya nga kami umeffort na sa Alabang magkita kita maski lahat kami ay taga-Makati, kasi ilang Christmas na rin yung nalaktawan mo, kasi hindi mo na kayang bumiyahe mag-isa.

Pasalamat pa din ako sa lahat ng mga pagkakataong nagkasama tayu sa mga lakaran, tawanan, at kainan. Sana masaya ka na ngayun at wala nang dinaramdam.

Mahal ka namin. At patuloy na mamahalin maski wala ka na.

Friday, May 23, 2014

I Was Never Little

Kwentuhan kanina sa opis about how my friend, Nelson na pinakyaw lahat ng sakit sa hospital, is already gaining weight. Sabi niya, 60 kilos na daw sya now from 52 nung lumabas sya ng hospital. I was like, "60? Ngayon? Eh ako nung naging timbang ko yung 60 parang grade three palang ako eh." "Grade 3?? Sobra ka naman teh." "Bakla, I was never little." Which is true. Kasi ginamit lang yung description sa akin na 'little' nung fetus ako. After nun, SM Teens na agad. Blowing Bubbles, Petit Monde and Pink Soda na agad. Walang Osh Kosh o Snoopy. 

Pinakadreaded day ko sa school year yung timbangan at sukatan ng height. Ok lang sa height, kasi until, I think, Grade 5 ako, ako pa yung pinakamatangkad sa class namen. Pero, naturally, ako din yung pinakamabigat. 

Isipin mo yung kapag ako na yung tatawagin ni Mrs. Claudio, gusto kong bulungan na, mam, pwede ba mamayang after class nalang ako? Pero wichels. At animo'y spectacle, lahat ng classmates ko nakapalibot sa akin at sa timbangan. 

Pagtapos makuha yung timbang ko, sasabihin nung mga patpatin kong classmates: "Ha?!? 60? Mam! 60 po si Karen! Uy kami nang tatlo yun ah." Magaakbayan at magtatawanan pa yung mga bulate. 

Bakit ko nakwento? Kasi kapag nagkkwento ako tungkol sa kabataan ko, lagi ko sinasabi consciously, "when I was a kid..." Kasi I was never little. Haha

Law of Impenetrability

No two matter can occupy the same space, at the same time. 

Parang pag-ibig lang yan. 

Yes, naikunek ko.