Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Dreams, Closures and Everything in Between

It was probably closure — that thing they call when you finally want to get over something— that "something” that has to be done to signify finality and to somehow become a marker that tells you, “hey okay this is the end…” or something like that.

I have not been dreaming for the past weeks because I am barely sleeping. I have had a lot of things going on in my mind which coerces me to stay wide-awake and think things through. Some are trivial and do not even merit recognition while others are slowly consuming the rest of my energy. 

So tonight, without intending to, I slept earlier than usual on a Sunday night. 
I’m pretty sure you’ll get a million other little dreams going on in your head but only the clearest and the more recent usually stands out. 

I dreamt of him— the way I usually dream of him years after I met him. But not in the more recent years because, along with the old forgotten stories I had in the past, I shelved him in the deepest places where I could only see him if I decided to look up for something I am not sure still belonged to me. 

I dreamt of him; and in my dream, I went out with him to buy a pair of classic Tretorns. But before he picked me up, I prepared and tried to look good, not for him, but for myself. I remember staring at the mirror and I could clearly see myself looking back at me. I wore metallic blue shadows and my hair was curled perfectly. Dreaming or awake, I thought, that was the most beautiful “me” that I have seen. 

We went on to buy the Tretorns and I don’t really recall if we held hands or kissed or whatever, but I knew in that dream, it felt really good to be with him. 

It was the most amazing feeling in the world, but even I at that time knew that it was a dream— only because even though reality is painful and ruthless, it is never that hazy, or blurry or grainy like that. But I will take it anyway. And being a citizen of both this world and the ephemeral, I also knew when I had to snap out of it and wake up. 

It was 7 o’clock in the morning. And I think, this is the marker I have been looking for, for years. 

I hope you are reading this. 

To M, my sputnik sweetheart

In our lifetime together, 
You will lose me
And I will lose you
Many times over. 

But your love will be my map. 
I will always come back.